Re-authoring my Truth....my legacy will not be 2nd rate!

Sitting here with so many revelations....oh, the visions that transition will bring...especially when you are carrying new life within you. She has revealed so much to me about myself. And she's has yet to be physically born. So much I allowed to llay dormant or just simply chose to overlook...even denying the constant urges to research my family pathologies and patterns. But there are some life lessons that just keep wooping you over and over again until you acknowledge and VALUE the necessity of the test. Tests reveal. Tests heal. Tests confirm.....that I have earned my stripes of maturity into womanhood.....indeed, I believe I'm getting closer.

So, I decided that I needed to face myself....the real me....the creative, loving, sensual, yet-needy, lonely and fearful me....fearful of being alone...of failing in motherhood-carrying poisonous family pathologies prevalent in my mother and grandmother-that I've ran from for years-passing them on to my daughter. I need to look at myself. the transition from 2010 to 2011 started when I opened myself up to date/become intimately involved with a man when I was just 2 months pregnant. I trusted him...I felt that I needed him...I believed his presence, his words, his touch was truthful and genuine...I was certain that he had my best interest at heart-so I collasped......realizing now, that a woman should never fully collapse in a relationship,she should always leave apart of herself for HERSELF!.....Guilty, angry, feeling foolish and open....vulnerbale, taken for granted...I cried, I purged, I questioned the Universe why I continue to attract emotionally unavailable men.....

I then became aware that I had lived and breathed and made that identity my home for so many years. Primarily because it was an unconcious-learned behavior....carrying the energy from my mother and grandmother's painful experiences.... I was a good consoler, nurturer, confidant, companion, lover...to men who didnt belong to me-their hearts had already chosen who would be a priority to them, they had already decided on their #1....and I....

I was just an escape from reality-#2....the replaceable. Being in second place its such a lonely, empty, desperate place...like a parasite eating away at your self worth and confidence. And so, this parasite I had allowed to mimic my smile, my walk, the sway in my hips....it even smelled like me, batted its eyes and bit its bottom lip like me(two things that drive men crazy about me).....lately, I've questioned myself, how long would I accept this warped truth about my self worth? Is this the identity and emotional legacy I am imparting into my daughter? A legacy of imbalanced energy? A legacy of hoping, wishing, dreaming and never manifesting a life partner who will give me above and beyond what I am able to give him?!.... Hell no! I want, deserve and will have more!


So what did I learn? I learned that at the exact moment of spiritual enlightenment....I have the power to re-author my truth....

Truth is: When you’re the other woman, you’re an escape from reality. Trust me, he’d never want the type of reality that he has with his wife or girlfriend with you because that would mean that it would get boring.

Truth is: They are all liars. I don’t care what bullshit stuff he’s said to win you around, they have to lie in order to maintain the situation. Looking back I realize what an idiotic thing that was for me to think. Lying is lying and the only way that he could juggle both of us was by lying to both of us.

Truth is: Your situation with him is not unique, you would be surprised how the excuses for having an affair all boil down to only a few basic excuses that are trotted out all over the world. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a mud hut in the middle of Africa, or in what you think is your plush life in the city; Lots of men claim that their partner doesn’t understand them. MANY claim that they are no longer sleeping with them. PLENTY claim that they stay with their partner for the kids. SOME claim that their jobs frown upon divorce. OTHERS say that she wouldn’t be able to cope. MOST of them claim that they are just waiting for the right time, the right moment, the right second/minute/hour/day/year to break the news. I don't deny that every situation will feel unique to you but the great thing about the key relationship issues that befall us, is that they are shared everywhere and the problems are as old as time itself. How and why he does it isn’t really that important because it all boils down to dishonesty and a lack of integrity.

Truth is: People/Men that cheat are manipulators. You might not want to see his behaviour in this light, but he has to manipulate you in order to manage the situation. The manipulation, while he might not perceive it as such, is all of the stuff that he says to get you on his side, to get you off his back, and to keep you on ice so that you don’t break away looking for a new guy. All of sudden I looked too good for other guys, every guy was trying to fuck me..... All of these things added to the belief that if I just tried a little harder and was a little less strong and independent, he would leave her.

Truth is: Women treat being with married or attached men like a competitive sport. We are nurturers, most women have self esteem issues of some sort, and we like to dig our heels in for the long haul and prove our worthiness. My whole relationship with him became focused on me getting him to see how worthy I was of not being a SECRET. My self esteem gradually took a battering and the reality is that even though I believed that getting him to desire me as authentically as I desired him would lift me to prime status, I was an emotional wreck.

Men love doing the Poor Pathetic Me Whine – “She doesn’t understand me. She won’t give me a head. She’s needy. She doesn’t fuck me like you do. She’s demanding.” This translates in our mind to “I will understand you. I will suck your dick till you’re cumin out of your ears. I won’t need you too much. I will fuck you just right-the way you like it. I won’t be demanding and ask too much of you” and it becomes like a marathon that never ends. Our self esteem is tied into our success at gaining his attention but most importantly, gaining him, so of course the longer that he stays with her, the longer that his actions don’t match his words, is the lower and lower your self esteem sinks. I know some women who don’t feel that a man has been validated unless he ‘belongs’ to someone else. The sad thing is that by being involved with my guy, I invalidated many of the good things I believed about myself and relationships and I really had to piece myself back together again and get a sense of who the hell I was.

These men take part time lover to a whole new level. When I look back at my ‘relationship’ with him, I realize that I was with him for less than 10% of an entire week. If someone else told me that they were going to give me ten percent of their time, I’d tell them to f*ck off! Instead my life was snatched moments, texts, emails, lonely nights and pretending to my family and bestfriend that I was single and happy when I was emotionally invested in a emotionally unavailable man.

Enough is Enough!

My Zuri deserves to inherit a new legacy...one that she can carry proudly with the correct assessment of a man and his worth and a woman and her worth, and how the two can form a union of worthiness...manifesting powerful family patterns and pathologies that are uplifting and enriching, rather than parasitic! So I'm doing this for her....more importantly, I'm making sure I know how to breathe properly....so my daughter can exhale in peace....all the days of her life.

The Law of Attraction: Life and Love Affirmations 2011

The Law states: I attract to myself, whatever I give my focus, attention, or energy to; whether wanted or unwanted. If you think about being broke, poor, lonely and believe your thoughts guess what? That is exactly what you'll be. This Law applies to your life and every other person's life on the planet. Like all laws, it is impartial and impersonal, which means it works when you want it to and when you don't want it to.


Everything comes to us through the most elemental law of physics - Like Attracts Like! Like Attracts Like is nothing more than the Law of Attraction. It is absolute and has nothing to do with your personality, your religious beliefs, being a "good" or a "bad" person or anything else. No one lives beyond this Law. It is an unquestionable law of the universe.




I didn't want to believe it. It was my circumstances that had brought me to where I was. I couldn't possibly be responsible. Then I read in James Allen's - As A Man Thinketh, "Circumstance does not make the man; it reveals him to himself."

Without action, nothing happens.

From your affirming and envisioning will come ideas and inspirations. Act upon these when they occur. This year, I realized that it is important for me to understand that just daydreaming about my desire will not bring it to manifestation. I must act upon the ideas I get, that action will bring me ultimately to my desire.

So here are my Affirmations for the year... reciting them outloud before I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning has already began to shift my thought patterns throughout the day. I don't have as many negative, depressing, worrying, hopeless thoughts and when they do come, they don't consume me. Ultimately, I make a CHOICE daily...moment by moment... to focus my energy and attention only on what I want and desire and DESERVE in my life.....
The hardest part in applying this law....is actually BELIEVING what you say and think. 2011 is my year to BELIEVE and MANIFEST....will you journey with me?






Affirmation for Life:

I am grateful for being alive and healthy
I am grateful for having the power to design my life
Today I am focusing on the good things in life
…and give thanks for them.
I know for things to change, I need to change
I take time everyday to find peace with myself
Everything I need is within me
I am strong and full of confidence
I can do anything
I am a winner
I believe in all my possibilities
I live with focus, courage, and determination
I live a life full of passion and purpose
I am a leader
I deserve success
I deserve abundance
Money flows easily and frequently to me
I am a money magnet and everything I touch turns into gold
Today wonderful opportunities come to me
I take time to laugh and play
I deserve happiness
I accept myself as I am
I am as free as a bird
I am free to be myself
I am a success in all that I do
I have the power to control my health
I am healthy in all aspects of my being
I am a forgiving and a loving person
The more I love, the more love I get
I deserve love…and give love
I am at peace with myself
I am one with everything around me
I am a wonderful creation
I accept peace and joy in all aspects of my life
I am at one with the inner child in me
I feel the love, joy and abundance
Today I will live this day as if it were my last day on this planet!
I will enjoy every minute of it
I am grateful to be alive!

Affirmation for Love:

Here is my vision: We are already connected
He comes to me in freedom
Now, we meet, greet, touch, know…we know.
I open and receive my soul mate in 2011
Welcome…
Ever deeper home…
His spiritual path is deep, wide and long
He is grounded, mature
Successful, strong, masculine
Handsome, balanced and oohhhh!...so sexy!
And sometimes very silly.
We are tender…
Our lives are filled with laughter
Eloquent silences…
Soul filled glory
A synergistic dance of dark and light
Our lovemaking is a tantric delight
Nourishing, healing us and…
I am a wild woman!
I am nurturing, surrendered, beautiful
I am irresistible to him!!
He gets me….i mean,
He REALLY gets me!
We adore each other
We activate each other deeply
I inspire him
We celebrate our love in 2012
Among flowers…and water
The universe is blessed by our sacred union
We are devoted to each other
We are entrepreneurs
Our relationship manifests its dynamic purpose
Our resources overflow in service
We work together, inspiring others
And making a difference.
From the Oneness of Spirit in Matter
He comes to me
He comes to me now.
Under grace and in perfect ways,
Blessed Be.
Thank You Universe. It is so.

For you....One day.

Wishful Thinking…..one day , I’ll look him in his eyes….and say:


Thank You for your love and thank you for your undying passion that has penetrated my soul to unexplainable depths. From the day I met you loving you has been as simple as breathing, You encourage me, you enlighten me, to be pure in life, as life has given us this life to live.

Can I tell you, that I’ve never seen so much wrong or right with me, till the day I met you. As I believe love has a mirror effect- for we are the essence of all energy we attract, pieces of you lie within me….so I examine myself…as love will instruct you to do-yet I find comfort in that I am not perfect, I make mistakes and you still love me and that’s a God kinda love…unconditional… You’ve have been the rain that my dry earth needed. Going inside of me saturating my very existence with the love of God. Witnessing your devotion and dedication to be by my side, lifting me and upholding me when I’m broken. Comforting me when I’m burdened, all the while consuming me and taking me to a place that is yet unknown, I can’t express the unexpressable expressions. I can’t say what I feel to say, because language doesn’t suffice, songs and poems cannot fully contain the width and breadth of my soul’s enjoyment when I think of a life with you.

Here I am…divorced, starting over, healed…refusing to accept my experience as ‘baggage’(as negative as we make it sound)…but as the much needed experience to allow me to grow and build tolerance for what I deserve and what I don’t deserve in a relationship…..and while I am aware that I have matured and become wiser….I still…again…choose to love…with no reservations…to let go…to allow you to be for me what your heart desires and as crazy as it sounds….I am excited! I am in love now…not a year from now or months from now…not when I’m able to see you every weekend or wake up to you everyday…but NOW…..I am in love with you- and I know the man that you are when we are together….and I know the man you really are when I’m in your presence…I know the way you look at me…I know how you kiss me…how you smile at my funny faces…how you hold me in your lap….I know….and I want you to always know that,

I will hold you, I will care for you, I will respect you, I will protect you, I will assure you, I will pray for you, I will pray with you, I will embrace you, I will endure with you, I will cry with you, I will laugh with you, I will sing with you, I will dance with you, I will struggle with you, I will fight for you, I will stand with you, I will stand for you, I will live with you, I will comfort you, I will trust you, I will understand you, I will learn about you, I will listen to you, I will not reject you, I will not deny you, I will not overlook you, I will not neglect you, I will not be cruel to you, I will not misuse you, I will not mislead you, I will not abuse you, I will make love to you, I will bare children for you, I will train them with you, I will teach them with you, I will continually thank God for you, I will continually thank God with you, I will stay committed to you, I will stay honest towards you, I will remain faithful to you….And without asking, I trust that you will do the same...

Caught up in the knot of this Soul-Tie...Naked and Unashamed.

I need you to fight for me- give me a reason not to walk away....thoughts of you flood my day...are you still here?...with me?
do you think about me....and what do the thoughts entail?
are you regretful or remorseful....?
do you want this....anymore?

I think to myself, I can't believe I have fallen so deeply again for someone who seems so distant, yet in arms reach simultaneously....

What is it that makes a woman continue to fall for a man who cant and wont love her the same in return. Is it true that we cant stand to be rejected and feel the need to conquer the unconquerable……I find it hard to believe that shallow assumption….considering the depth of what a woman feels for a particular man….its definitely more than just trying to conquer him…suggesting a journey along a lost quest with the need for a long awaited victory…to say that…’this is mine’…’I have won’…..’I have power over that which I have conquered’…..needless to say it is not that simple…at least not for me. I don’t want to conquer you…..I’d rather us rule together and conquer our fears…simultaneously…one moment, with each other, at a time.

I thought for sure this was it...the last time I would play with the 'idea' of love....
secretly praying for a miricle daily, that you would love me instantly as I do you...recognizing this powerful virtue as energy-instead of a fearful endeavor that can't be spoken of without protocol....

I love you...and I loved you with everything in me as only I am capable of doing a hundred percent....I've never known how to do this halfway...so I take my chances, playing russian ruelette with my heart and emotions, squeeze my eyes tight....nostrils wide open...eyes bright and attentive...and I give you all of me....all that is in me....all of me.

I miss you like my heart misses its beat in between breaths....
inhaling and exhaling your eyes....my chest rises to every occasion I have at the tip of your tongue...carefully...you fill me. with each thrust you fill me. with each kiss you fill me. with each hand ran across my damp skin and sun-kissed crevices...you fill me.

...and in the same instant I roll over only to find you dressed and walking out the door. and again, I am empty.

this has got to stop....the struggle- the tug of war between your heart and mine. You want to say I miss you back, but you won’t…
You want to tell me how much you think of me, but you won’t. You won’t because in your mind you have to keep everything in perspective…owning your emotions, keeping them bound by heartache, career goals and frustration. But your perspective is not my perspective, yet…I understand.

and to be honest...I don't want to understand anymore... at least not by myself....I want to innerstand my vulnerabilities, and overstand with your heart and mines in the same hand...balanced...equally examined...equally understanding.

I'm tired...and all I ask, is the chance to let go...fall back...and know that you are there to catch me, as I have caught you....in this soul-tie.

More Revelation: Eat, Pray, [make] Love.....

It took me a long time to finally watch this movie. In fact I stopped desiring to watch the movie after awhile because for some reason I felt maybe it just didn’t call to me. Nevertheless, it was too difficult to watch because I, myself, felt her agony/suffering/darkness in the beginning of the movie and it may have reminded me of those dark years of my life which, though I have surpassed and has made me into the person I am today, still squeezes my heart in pain & knocks the air out of me whenever I remember how it felt to be in that darkness. But basically I watched this movie very slow because all throughout I also needed to reflect on my own existential crisis and joy....

or shall I say my existential reality...pregnancy. I am still in awe of myself and the changes my body, mind and spirit are going through at this very moment. This movie helped me bring to surface some unspoken reservations and fears I had of myself...and as Liz...illustrates the writing of her character so artistically in this movie....I am appreciative of where I am...right now...




Favorite Quotes/Revelations from the movie, Eat, Pray, Love...

When Richard from Texas says to Liz about her feelings for David-
"Your problem is you don't know what the word means. People think a soul mate is our perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life"

Just toward the ending of 2010, I came to this conclusion, while reflecting on my present 'love'....who I can honestly say, if I go by energy alone, and step away from 'logic' and protocol.....this man is my soul mate. To meet a man...in the second month of pregnancy, who not only professes his attraction and unexplainable devotion to you, but to your unborn life as well....patient, calm, organized, careful...thoughtful....not anxious...a man that handles you in such a way that it scares you how much he has revealed to you about yourself without ever saying a word. He is my mirror....and because I know the love I have, though careless to some, is without restraint....I am convinced that he is a reflection of the God in me....unexplainably, unconditionally, unordinarily loving.


"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than the man himself. And then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been the victim of my own optimism"

I inhale dreams birthing visions unclear, laced on my face sketches of pillow wishes becoming as one with you-Desperate for magical nights- love glistinin between shy highs-within the deep walls of my thighs...behold my affection is your delight.
My soul is desperate....to love you, to love on you, to share myself with you, to give you all that I have-because my love is known for sustainment...though I may be parched...I habitually seek to quench your thirst first...I can't help it, until now....
you have shown me how to help myself, first, so we may drink of life together.


“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it – I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need the medication, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than depression and I am braver than loneliness and noting will ever exhaust me.”

so powerful. so Divine. so free....like living a life full of the simplest pleasures...Eating, Praying and [making] Love!

*Let's Toast*...Here's to enjoying the loves of my life in 2011....a long awaited answered prayer, my baby...and my man.

Rebirth...

So one thing that serves true about pregnancy….it is an emotional roller coaster indeed!....I can’t count the amount of times I have laughed and cried within the same sentence…moment of time…tears and laughter…excitement and intense fear sharing the same minute. I know now…and I am all too familiar with dark places, depression….deep reflections….emotional turmoil; but this, this wave of unpredictableness is an experience like never before…

Thoughts of love lost and gained, uncertainty about my decisions, choices and future-for myself and my child, financial insecurity, emotional betrayal by close friends haunting my heart, grieving and celebrating change simultaneously….afraid of this next chapter of motherhood…yet welcoming the unknown and the unexpected, bound by the ‘free’ of my spirit….afraid of finishing alone….wanting so badly to be comfortable….a peaceful place of stability…a sense of success and normalcy-according to my beliefs and foundation of holistic living…..I just want to be! I just want to make up my mind…I just want to know what my next move will be…or will I remain still for a lil while longer…will I decide on what passion to force a career out of…or will I remain free versed and gifted in many areas all at once….will I be able to start afresh….show my lil one a different path to take….prepare her for the culture, the smoke screen of life…the simple mindedness of people….most importantly, the beautiful virtue of love……will I be able to free her from my grievances, disappointments and failures…..OR….will she free me?....



Even as I type, with swollen, heavy, teary eyes….aching joints….and a belly full of life….I am still in expectancy…not just for her birth…but for my rebirth. This time around will be like none other. Namaste. Ase’. Amen.

There's no place like home...with a Midwife!

"Suspended between worlds...half in and half out.."


For months now, my truth has been that…..I am scared. I don’t know what I’m doing….I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to be doing….and with those feelings come a sense of guilt and a subtle panic, like mad at myself as to why I didn’t have all this together before she came….but then little moments of enlightenment come….maybe her manifestation will help me manifest more into the REAL me. I wish I could have known the real me all along…to help me figure out what it is that I was destined to do…..and what it is that I want to do.

Presently, I feel stuck in a job that forces me to conceal stress during the day, holding back emotional outburst, ligament uncomforts…surrounded by overly hyperactive, at times, disrespectful…hormonal teenagers….six classes of attitudes, frustrations and disturbing energies that I am unspokenly obligated to carry throughout my day…as I midwife these children into appreciating education and life one moment at a time…..my heart silently crying out for a midwife of my own to help me navigate through this ‘transitional posture of uncomfort’….HELP ME! …is what I scream through my smiles, hugs, advice, reprimands, instruction and periods of total disorient-ness…..HELP ME!.....HELP me find my way back to what matters most again…. my balance…my peace in holistic-body, mind, spirit living.

I didn’t know that I truly desired a natural childbirth when I first learned I was pregnant. The conception of my baby girl may not have been totally intended; however, her spirit was honored even before she came into my body. I had carefully considered what it meant to me to be a mother, and what I could offer this little being. It’s only fitting that then I would come to the conclusion that she deserved to have the opportunity to arrive in this world in her own time, on our own terms.

For these last nearly five and a half months, I have been seeing a doctor here in Milwaukee that I have not totally been at peace with. As a massage therapist/healer myself, working with energies and being constantly aware of a person’s aura has made me very sensitive for a lifetime in evaluating each encounter I may have with whomever I cross paths with. I suppose not having a lot of family or resources here also brought a sense of naivety and guilt with just accepting the first doctor I came across…no matter how inviting, small and home-like the office may have felt. Beyond the fear of hospitals and strangers freely sticking their fingers in me…detached from my journey-solely because I’m just a number….in the system…and they’ve seen ‘this’ thousands of times…..My womb…my intuition…my sweetpea was unctioning me all along….find a midwife.

“The process of human childbirth is a normal physiological process perfectly designed by nature to bring babies into the world. It is an instinctive, primal experience that has its own rhythm and pace which should be respected and honored, and works best when interfered with as little as possible. Women should have as much control as possible in determining their care, and should be encouraged to be active participants in decision-making and self-care. When informed, supported and encouraged to follow their own instincts, women can be active givers of birth rather than passive receivers of birth technology.”

I read these words on the website of an experienced, licensed and trained midwife here in the Milwaukee area….and I knew then, this is the journey I was destined to take. After a two-hour phone consultation with this midwife angel, I quickley learned that my uncomfort and suspicions of my doctor had been true. She knew him very well...and all she said was, "your intuition warrants a change in caregivers indeed". Along with the encouraging philosophy of this midwife, there was a wealth of knowledge and literature to glean from this woman….and for these reasons, I choose to have a midwife for the birth of my first child:

Holistic Midwives:
• Act as guardians of natural childbirth and well women, care-providing birthing women with support and guidance to ensure a healthy pregnancy, labor and delivery with minimal intervention.
• Understand that pregnancy and birth are normal processes, and work to optimize the well-being of mothers and their babies as the foundation of care giving.
• Approach the experience of childbirth as far more than a physical event, perceiving it as a profound emotional, mental and spiritual Rite of Passage for both mother and child.
• Respect the dignity, integrity and response-ability of the women they serve, recognizing that the primary caretaker and most important determinant of a healthy pregnancy and positive birth experience is the woman herself.
• Work in partnership with mothers, their families and their communities, helping them to explore their options and make informed decisions based on their unique circumstance.

I know that this experience won't just be life-altering for me…but a testament of a miracle for those closest to me, who will be there with me as my ‘sweetpea’ makes her debut into this world. The simple fact, alone, that I was told-while married to my ex-husband, that I wouldn’t be able to have children without a medical miracle…..too much scarring, polycystic ovarian syndrome damage, uterine fibroids growing, etc…etc…Yet….in the event of a ‘Divine Miracle’…all that is needed is an open heart saturated with love and hope and greatness beyond human understanding. This is the mindset for life that I’m used to having.

The Universe wants the best for us, and is willing to bestow these gifts(of strength and empowerment) upon us if we are willing and able to accept them. I look forward to this miracle journey….and finding my way back to creativity and undying passion…away from the enslaving educational system and mundane classroom instruction that I have settled for right now. In the same measure of strength that I was able to position myself into an anxiety free-butterfly pregnancy and birthing experience….I have to do the same for myself in regards to my career/calling. For this journey…I will be more than honored to leave this legacy of strength to my ‘sweetpea’.