Friday, November 14, 2008

The Truth is...

What is the truth about me….The truth is, I am hurting, and everyday I am fighting a constant battle with my mind; which seeks to devour, distract, destroy and deviate me from the plan and purpose God has for my life. My mind, a powerful entity it is, shows me the counterfeit of truth. It reminds me that no one understands, that I am alone, that I am crazy, over analyzing, over reacting….that no one can hear me…no one can see me…no one knows…not even myself.

I find my self on days of happiness and when I am comfortable, trying to hold on to those moments for dear life as if my last breath depended on it. Because, truth be told, my life does depend on it. I do depend on those moments of joy and peace that I cant comprehend or explain why I feel as free as I do…all I know is that I need this moment, I’ve been waiting for this moment, I cant let this moment leave me…because then, I’ll be faced to deal with me….the enemy…inner me….I’ll be left to hear the crying and feel the throbbing in my head and experience the pain of agony and not being able to swallow….suicide, depression, frustration, weariness, and hope lost, like trying to tread on a dream when the water feels low. I am left to deal with my issues…some surface, some deeper in my tissues. I am left to deal with me, to spend too much time alone and wonder how did I get here…and then get distracted in wondering so much on what got me here that I cant see how much depth I have uncovered…’til I can’t see my way out! I Can breathe! Cant deal…Cant live…..but I cant leave.

I am a prisoner of words unsaid. I trap myself further every time I stay silent. Stoned on a drug of complacency and compromise…a piece of myself for peace in myself….for compassion, compromise, kindness and expectation-But there’s no where to run when you’ve caged yourself. Yet, even something as beautiful as birth leaves its own scars….but that doesn’t mean it is any less beautiful than it was created to be. It has a purpose to serve, even chaos; for out of chaos births opportunity and change. Now how could I forfeit opportunity and change. How could I forfeit life…..How could I leave.

How could I leave this life; although it is trial and error with me….
The trials most unbearable and the errors, more often unbeatable.
But this is my life…tailor made with success, problems, joy and pain just for me.
And in the midst of its unbearable, unbeatable weights….I carry the burden of hope
Proudly with wings as beautiful as butterflies to carry me into purpose… carry me to life…to carry me in hope.

And to what do I credit hope?...Love
But what happened to the Love that gave you courage?
Made you feel like you could do anything you desired…
Made you feel like a better person, made you manifest
The very thing you felt…power(ful).
Who can really understand the hurt of love?
The grievance of love?
The miscarriage of something so empowering…
Yet, I no longer love…presently, I hurt.
And while I hurt
I am hopeful
And while I hurt
I still desire, I still need, I still want,,,I still,,,I still
While I hurt… I still love.

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