Friday, January 7, 2011

For you....One day.

Wishful Thinking… day , I’ll look him in his eyes….and say:

Thank You for your love and thank you for your undying passion that has penetrated my soul to unexplainable depths. From the day I met you loving you has been as simple as breathing, You encourage me, you enlighten me, to be pure in life, as life has given us this life to live.

Can I tell you, that I’ve never seen so much wrong or right with me, till the day I met you. As I believe love has a mirror effect- for we are the essence of all energy we attract, pieces of you lie within me….so I examine myself…as love will instruct you to do-yet I find comfort in that I am not perfect, I make mistakes and you still love me and that’s a God kinda love…unconditional… You’ve have been the rain that my dry earth needed. Going inside of me saturating my very existence with the love of God. Witnessing your devotion and dedication to be by my side, lifting me and upholding me when I’m broken. Comforting me when I’m burdened, all the while consuming me and taking me to a place that is yet unknown, I can’t express the unexpressable expressions. I can’t say what I feel to say, because language doesn’t suffice, songs and poems cannot fully contain the width and breadth of my soul’s enjoyment when I think of a life with you.

Here I am…divorced, starting over, healed…refusing to accept my experience as ‘baggage’(as negative as we make it sound)…but as the much needed experience to allow me to grow and build tolerance for what I deserve and what I don’t deserve in a relationship…..and while I am aware that I have matured and become wiser….I still…again…choose to love…with no reservations…to let go…to allow you to be for me what your heart desires and as crazy as it sounds….I am excited! I am in love now…not a year from now or months from now…not when I’m able to see you every weekend or wake up to you everyday…but NOW…..I am in love with you- and I know the man that you are when we are together….and I know the man you really are when I’m in your presence…I know the way you look at me…I know how you kiss me…how you smile at my funny faces…how you hold me in your lap….I know….and I want you to always know that,

I will hold you, I will care for you, I will respect you, I will protect you, I will assure you, I will pray for you, I will pray with you, I will embrace you, I will endure with you, I will cry with you, I will laugh with you, I will sing with you, I will dance with you, I will struggle with you, I will fight for you, I will stand with you, I will stand for you, I will live with you, I will comfort you, I will trust you, I will understand you, I will learn about you, I will listen to you, I will not reject you, I will not deny you, I will not overlook you, I will not neglect you, I will not be cruel to you, I will not misuse you, I will not mislead you, I will not abuse you, I will make love to you, I will bare children for you, I will train them with you, I will teach them with you, I will continually thank God for you, I will continually thank God with you, I will stay committed to you, I will stay honest towards you, I will remain faithful to you….And without asking, I trust that you will do the same...

Caught up in the knot of this Soul-Tie...Naked and Unashamed.

I need you to fight for me- give me a reason not to walk away....thoughts of you flood my day...are you still here?...with me?
do you think about me....and what do the thoughts entail?
are you regretful or remorseful....?
do you want this....anymore?

I think to myself, I can't believe I have fallen so deeply again for someone who seems so distant, yet in arms reach simultaneously....

What is it that makes a woman continue to fall for a man who cant and wont love her the same in return. Is it true that we cant stand to be rejected and feel the need to conquer the unconquerable……I find it hard to believe that shallow assumption….considering the depth of what a woman feels for a particular man….its definitely more than just trying to conquer him…suggesting a journey along a lost quest with the need for a long awaited victory…to say that…’this is mine’…’I have won’…..’I have power over that which I have conquered’…..needless to say it is not that simple…at least not for me. I don’t want to conquer you…..I’d rather us rule together and conquer our fears…simultaneously…one moment, with each other, at a time.

I thought for sure this was it...the last time I would play with the 'idea' of love....
secretly praying for a miricle daily, that you would love me instantly as I do you...recognizing this powerful virtue as energy-instead of a fearful endeavor that can't be spoken of without protocol....

I love you...and I loved you with everything in me as only I am capable of doing a hundred percent....I've never known how to do this I take my chances, playing russian ruelette with my heart and emotions, squeeze my eyes tight....nostrils wide open...eyes bright and attentive...and I give you all of me....all that is in me....all of me.

I miss you like my heart misses its beat in between breaths....
inhaling and exhaling your chest rises to every occasion I have at the tip of your fill me. with each thrust you fill me. with each kiss you fill me. with each hand ran across my damp skin and sun-kissed fill me.

...and in the same instant I roll over only to find you dressed and walking out the door. and again, I am empty.

this has got to stop....the struggle- the tug of war between your heart and mine. You want to say I miss you back, but you won’t…
You want to tell me how much you think of me, but you won’t. You won’t because in your mind you have to keep everything in perspective…owning your emotions, keeping them bound by heartache, career goals and frustration. But your perspective is not my perspective, yet…I understand.

and to be honest...I don't want to understand anymore... at least not by myself....I want to innerstand my vulnerabilities, and overstand with your heart and mines in the same hand...balanced...equally examined...equally understanding.

I'm tired...and all I ask, is the chance to let go...fall back...and know that you are there to catch me, as I have caught this soul-tie.

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