Sunday, December 26, 2010

More Revelation: Eat, Pray, [make] Love.....

It took me a long time to finally watch this movie. In fact I stopped desiring to watch the movie after awhile because for some reason I felt maybe it just didn’t call to me. Nevertheless, it was too difficult to watch because I, myself, felt her agony/suffering/darkness in the beginning of the movie and it may have reminded me of those dark years of my life which, though I have surpassed and has made me into the person I am today, still squeezes my heart in pain & knocks the air out of me whenever I remember how it felt to be in that darkness. But basically I watched this movie very slow because all throughout I also needed to reflect on my own existential crisis and joy....

or shall I say my existential reality...pregnancy. I am still in awe of myself and the changes my body, mind and spirit are going through at this very moment. This movie helped me bring to surface some unspoken reservations and fears I had of myself...and as Liz...illustrates the writing of her character so artistically in this movie....I am appreciative of where I am...right now...

Favorite Quotes/Revelations from the movie, Eat, Pray, Love...

When Richard from Texas says to Liz about her feelings for David-
"Your problem is you don't know what the word means. People think a soul mate is our perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life"

Just toward the ending of 2010, I came to this conclusion, while reflecting on my present 'love'....who I can honestly say, if I go by energy alone, and step away from 'logic' and protocol.....this man is my soul mate. To meet a the second month of pregnancy, who not only professes his attraction and unexplainable devotion to you, but to your unborn life as well....patient, calm, organized, careful...thoughtful....not anxious...a man that handles you in such a way that it scares you how much he has revealed to you about yourself without ever saying a word. He is my mirror....and because I know the love I have, though careless to some, is without restraint....I am convinced that he is a reflection of the God in me....unexplainably, unconditionally, unordinarily loving.

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than the man himself. And then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been the victim of my own optimism"

I inhale dreams birthing visions unclear, laced on my face sketches of pillow wishes becoming as one with you-Desperate for magical nights- love glistinin between shy highs-within the deep walls of my thighs...behold my affection is your delight.
My soul is love you, to love on you, to share myself with you, to give you all that I have-because my love is known for sustainment...though I may be parched...I habitually seek to quench your thirst first...I can't help it, until now....
you have shown me how to help myself, first, so we may drink of life together.

“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it – I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need the medication, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than depression and I am braver than loneliness and noting will ever exhaust me.”

so powerful. so Divine. so living a life full of the simplest pleasures...Eating, Praying and [making] Love!

*Let's Toast*...Here's to enjoying the loves of my life in 2011....a long awaited answered prayer, my baby...and my man.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


So one thing that serves true about pregnancy….it is an emotional roller coaster indeed!....I can’t count the amount of times I have laughed and cried within the same sentence…moment of time…tears and laughter…excitement and intense fear sharing the same minute. I know now…and I am all too familiar with dark places, depression….deep reflections….emotional turmoil; but this, this wave of unpredictableness is an experience like never before…

Thoughts of love lost and gained, uncertainty about my decisions, choices and future-for myself and my child, financial insecurity, emotional betrayal by close friends haunting my heart, grieving and celebrating change simultaneously….afraid of this next chapter of motherhood…yet welcoming the unknown and the unexpected, bound by the ‘free’ of my spirit….afraid of finishing alone….wanting so badly to be comfortable….a peaceful place of stability…a sense of success and normalcy-according to my beliefs and foundation of holistic living…..I just want to be! I just want to make up my mind…I just want to know what my next move will be…or will I remain still for a lil while longer…will I decide on what passion to force a career out of…or will I remain free versed and gifted in many areas all at once….will I be able to start afresh….show my lil one a different path to take….prepare her for the culture, the smoke screen of life…the simple mindedness of people….most importantly, the beautiful virtue of love……will I be able to free her from my grievances, disappointments and failures…..OR….will she free me?....

Even as I type, with swollen, heavy, teary eyes….aching joints….and a belly full of life….I am still in expectancy…not just for her birth…but for my rebirth. This time around will be like none other. Namaste. Ase’. Amen.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

There's no place like home...with a Midwife!

"Suspended between worlds...half in and half out.."

For months now, my truth has been that…..I am scared. I don’t know what I’m doing….I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to be doing….and with those feelings come a sense of guilt and a subtle panic, like mad at myself as to why I didn’t have all this together before she came….but then little moments of enlightenment come….maybe her manifestation will help me manifest more into the REAL me. I wish I could have known the real me all along…to help me figure out what it is that I was destined to do…..and what it is that I want to do.

Presently, I feel stuck in a job that forces me to conceal stress during the day, holding back emotional outburst, ligament uncomforts…surrounded by overly hyperactive, at times, disrespectful…hormonal teenagers….six classes of attitudes, frustrations and disturbing energies that I am unspokenly obligated to carry throughout my day…as I midwife these children into appreciating education and life one moment at a time… heart silently crying out for a midwife of my own to help me navigate through this ‘transitional posture of uncomfort’….HELP ME! …is what I scream through my smiles, hugs, advice, reprimands, instruction and periods of total disorient-ness…..HELP ME!.....HELP me find my way back to what matters most again…. my balance…my peace in holistic-body, mind, spirit living.

I didn’t know that I truly desired a natural childbirth when I first learned I was pregnant. The conception of my baby girl may not have been totally intended; however, her spirit was honored even before she came into my body. I had carefully considered what it meant to me to be a mother, and what I could offer this little being. It’s only fitting that then I would come to the conclusion that she deserved to have the opportunity to arrive in this world in her own time, on our own terms.

For these last nearly five and a half months, I have been seeing a doctor here in Milwaukee that I have not totally been at peace with. As a massage therapist/healer myself, working with energies and being constantly aware of a person’s aura has made me very sensitive for a lifetime in evaluating each encounter I may have with whomever I cross paths with. I suppose not having a lot of family or resources here also brought a sense of naivety and guilt with just accepting the first doctor I came across…no matter how inviting, small and home-like the office may have felt. Beyond the fear of hospitals and strangers freely sticking their fingers in me…detached from my journey-solely because I’m just a number….in the system…and they’ve seen ‘this’ thousands of times…..My womb…my intuition…my sweetpea was unctioning me all along….find a midwife.

“The process of human childbirth is a normal physiological process perfectly designed by nature to bring babies into the world. It is an instinctive, primal experience that has its own rhythm and pace which should be respected and honored, and works best when interfered with as little as possible. Women should have as much control as possible in determining their care, and should be encouraged to be active participants in decision-making and self-care. When informed, supported and encouraged to follow their own instincts, women can be active givers of birth rather than passive receivers of birth technology.”

I read these words on the website of an experienced, licensed and trained midwife here in the Milwaukee area….and I knew then, this is the journey I was destined to take. After a two-hour phone consultation with this midwife angel, I quickley learned that my uncomfort and suspicions of my doctor had been true. She knew him very well...and all she said was, "your intuition warrants a change in caregivers indeed". Along with the encouraging philosophy of this midwife, there was a wealth of knowledge and literature to glean from this woman….and for these reasons, I choose to have a midwife for the birth of my first child:

Holistic Midwives:
• Act as guardians of natural childbirth and well women, care-providing birthing women with support and guidance to ensure a healthy pregnancy, labor and delivery with minimal intervention.
• Understand that pregnancy and birth are normal processes, and work to optimize the well-being of mothers and their babies as the foundation of care giving.
• Approach the experience of childbirth as far more than a physical event, perceiving it as a profound emotional, mental and spiritual Rite of Passage for both mother and child.
• Respect the dignity, integrity and response-ability of the women they serve, recognizing that the primary caretaker and most important determinant of a healthy pregnancy and positive birth experience is the woman herself.
• Work in partnership with mothers, their families and their communities, helping them to explore their options and make informed decisions based on their unique circumstance.

I know that this experience won't just be life-altering for me…but a testament of a miracle for those closest to me, who will be there with me as my ‘sweetpea’ makes her debut into this world. The simple fact, alone, that I was told-while married to my ex-husband, that I wouldn’t be able to have children without a medical miracle…..too much scarring, polycystic ovarian syndrome damage, uterine fibroids growing, etc…etc…Yet….in the event of a ‘Divine Miracle’…all that is needed is an open heart saturated with love and hope and greatness beyond human understanding. This is the mindset for life that I’m used to having.

The Universe wants the best for us, and is willing to bestow these gifts(of strength and empowerment) upon us if we are willing and able to accept them. I look forward to this miracle journey….and finding my way back to creativity and undying passion…away from the enslaving educational system and mundane classroom instruction that I have settled for right now. In the same measure of strength that I was able to position myself into an anxiety free-butterfly pregnancy and birthing experience….I have to do the same for myself in regards to my career/calling. For this journey…I will be more than honored to leave this legacy of strength to my ‘sweetpea’.

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