Sunday, August 21, 2011

Passion-Driven Life

Sometimes my emotions go into overdrive when I have come face to face with that which I am most passionate about. I am on the brink of a career/city move that will indefinitely change my life for the better, forever. I'm so excited and so filled with ecstatic anxiety, that I can hardly concentrate on wat lies before me in the meantime. A book deal, a business venture, new clients, preparing for my move, new love...and most new precious lil sweet baby girl! whew! I have plenty to keep myself busy until New Years; yet time seems to trickle by so slow when you are READY and WAITING....speaking from someone who is impatient!...hmmph.

so in moments like these, I just have to remind myself to take a step back, affirm and assure myself that all will be and IS well....and I am definitely in the FLOW:

What is Passion????
1. A powerful emotion,
a.such as love, joy, hatred, or anger.

2. Ardent love.
b. Strong sexual desire; lust.
c. The object of such love or desire.

3. Boundless enthusiasm
d. The object of such enthusiasm

What am I passionate about???
1. My Baby
2. My career
3. My LOVE....

Now how do I put my PASSIONS in PERSPECTIVE to where I am now???

Instant results

"If you’re willing to settle only for instant results, you’re seriously limiting what you can accomplish. Most things of great value take some time to achieve.

It is good to take action. It is far more powerful to take focused, sustained action.

The results you’re willing to wait for are the results that will last the longest. The time you invest in creative, productive, effective effort will always pay the greatest dividends.

If you’re always chasing instant results, life will be a constant struggle. By contrast, you can do the work of fifty, a hundred, a thousand people or more by spreading the effort over time.

Just imagine the incredible, lasting value you’ll be able to create. When your efforts build upon each other, there is no limit to how far you can go.

Persist in your work, and you will be abundantly rewarded. The results that come over time are far and away the most precious."

— Ralph Marston

Read more:

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Wise Affirmations for this Season in My Life.....

God allows everything to happen for a reason. Circumstances will either direct you, correct you, or perfect you!. don't give up , keep the faith & go ahead ...with love-----------We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world. The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreamers who do. Change your thoughts, and you change your world.

We attract people by the qualities we display, we keep them by the qualities we possess...........................................I don't believe in pessimism. If something doesn't come up the way you want, forge ahead. If you think it's going to rain, it will........................................................................................We are not forces that are acted upon but forces that create action...We move through life as it moves through us...

“Learn to listen, because sometimes the chance knocking at the door very quietly...”..........................................With time you learn that love, true love, has joys and sorrows, is ever present, cannot be duplicated, and defies true definition, often pushing reason aside. And you learn that through it all you can endure, that you really are strong and you have value beyond measure. The tiniest bit of love, acted upon, can be the most fulfilling aspect of your entire life. Embrace the love you have...

The same "stone" that "the builder" refuses, may become the head corner stone...reality!! wake up!!”Everybody's looking for something. Something, that makes it all complete. You"ll find it in the strangest places; in your lover's eyes, in the deepest friendship, in the words of others.. a simple word can make you smile or cry. But when you have found that special thing, you'll fly without wings... Stop planning your life, let it plan itself! Quit trying to find the perfect men, let him find you. Life is so easy. Things are only as complicated as we make them. Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we careabout leaves.. but the truth is it's not our loss! It's theirs bec ause they left the only person in the world who would never give up on them. At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.

The future is mine to have by not allowing the past to dictate! And not allowing others to try to dictate my present! So, walk beside me.........................................All life demands struggle. Those who have everything given to them become lazy, selfish, and insensitive to the real values of life. The very striving and hard work that we so constantly try to avoid is the major building block in the person we are today

As one door is closed in your life, a new opens before you. Take a moment to pause briefly at this threshold, and know that you are moving forward and that is for the best. Approach this new door with great confidence in your heart, for you have a so much to offer and so much to look forward to. Open each new door with trust, holding your hopes and dreams very near.... Knowing that the world is waiting for the goodness and the love you carry with you.

give you a chance to win again , don't hope , create today ,, make the miracle now don't give up ,keep the faith and never stop to beleive in you ...

Keep doing what your doing you'll keep getting what you get! Now do something different.

Yes I Can: ...Deliver yourself. You will succeed not because you're allowed to, but because you decide to. You will prosper not because of the hand you've been dealt, but because of what you do with it. You can allow yourself to be held back by what is, or you can choose to create what can be. Whatever comes your way is insignificant when compared to what you make of it. Though others may have impressive wealth and other advantages going for them, remember this. You have you going for you. You have a solid, authentic purpose, and the determination to fulfill that purpose. You have a unique perspective, and the ability to leverage that perspective into real, lasting value. That's more than enough to take you wherever you choose to go, no matter what your starting point may be. Whether circumstances favor you or not, your commitment and your actions can always be working in your favor. Don't waste your time obsessing over what's unfair or unfortunate about your situation. Put all your energy into what you can do, into the positive steps you can take, and deliver yourself to wherever you wish to be.

Yes U Can: ...You are a person of courage and strength, and nothing can take that away. No circumstance that comes in too your life can alter who you really are. You are a person of kindness and warmth with uncounted gifts yet to give. No matter how stormy the world is around you, your spirit still shines through. Whatever life bring, please believe in these two things...YOU ARE STRAONGER THAN YOU MAY IMAGINE, AND YOU ARE NEVER ALONE...

Believe in You: ...wisdom is better than silver & gold .... upgrade your wisdom to be better and better ..... Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. I want freedom for the full expression of my personality. No matter how slow the film, Spirit always stands still long enough for the photographer It has chosen. I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. Mother Teresa (1910 - 1997) You can't be angry with God and not believe in him at the same time. Whatever God's dream about man may be, it seems certain it cannot come true unless man cooperates. A God that can be understood is no God. Who can explain the Infinite in words? W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965), I myself do nothing. The Holy Spirit accomplishes all through me.

Risk: ...To laugh is to risk appearing a fool To weep is to risk appearing sentimental To reach out for another is to risk involvement To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self To place your ideal, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss To love is to risk not being loved in return To live is to risk dying To hope is to risk despair To try is to risk failure Yet risks must be taken Because the greatest hazard in life is risking NOTHING The person who risks nothing Does nothing Has nothing Is nothing Self-realisation is harder than Self Sacrifice

no more tears:
Revelation 21:4 And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away

Appreciate each day & let your loved ones know they matter because we don't know when we're gonna lose that opportunity. Live positive.”


A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort....”The force without justice is violence. The truth without a force inertia.(Sosai Masutatsu Oyama) At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss. (Paulo Coelho) It's better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven't done! Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we careabout leaves.. but the truth is it's not our loss! It's theirs because they left the only person in the world who would never give up on them./ We can complain that roses have thorns, or rejoice that thorns have roses?? / Man can live about 40 days without food; about 3 days without water; about 2 minutes without air; but only for 1 second without hope../ Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and then wishing you hadn't or saying nothing and wishing you had? / Sometimes when I say "oh, I'm fine", I want someone to look into my eyes and say: "tell the truth!"/

back to God:
Life is too short and hard. We think we are at safe and make a lot of plans for tomorrow. But we realize how fragile World and the strengh of Nature are and how soon and easily our projects and life can be destroyed in seconds. Then it's when we remember to pray and come back to God to help and save us. wisdom is better than silver & gold .... upgrade your wisdom to be better and better ..... Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. I want freedom for the full expression of my personality. No matter how slow the film, Spirit always stands still long enough for the photographer It has chosen. I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

If I knew back then what I know now if I understood the what when why and how, though it's clear to me what I should've known. My hindsight is 20/20

If someone wants you, nothing can keep them away. If they don't want you, nothing can make them stay. Stop making excuses for them and their behavior. Allow your intuition to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Never live your life for a person before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the person was not treating you as you deserve then, heck no you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like they are stringing you along, then they probably are. Don't stay because you think "it will get better". You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Always have your own set of friends separate from their. Maintain boundaries in how they treat you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let them know everything. They will just use it against you later. You cannot cahnge a persons behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make them feel they are more important than you are. They are human...

rise up again:
Disappointments are like road bumps, they slow us down a bit, but we will enjoy the smooth roads afterwards. Failures and problems are not the things to be scared of, they can lead to breakthroughs and great discoveries. Success is not for the timid. It is for those who seek guidance make decisions and take decisive action. Disappointments are like road bumps, they slow us down a bit, but we will enjoy the smooth roads afterwards. Failures and problems are not the things to be scared of, they can lead to breakthroughs and great discoveries. Success is not for the timid.

Always see the glass full no matter how empty it appears to be,because it's by faith and determination you can change things

A Great Relationship Happens When Two People Who Truly Understand Each Other and Love Each Other for Who They Are Come Together and Create Something Stronger Than Either of Them Could Ever Be on Their Own

Monday, May 23, 2011

Mental Fourplay...

I write because I am poetry, I am the rhyme, the imagery,the verbs, the metaphors, I am the opportunity for creativity, even when its just an audience of one knowing at my door. Like most I desire a release from my daily frustrations, a safe haven for my doubts and pains...and if Life has taught me nothing else, I knw that longstrokes and spoonfed positions will only take us so far....but I seek a moment that will last, a 'feel good' encounter more for my mind and spirit -not just my body. Stimlate my mind and you have my attention, stimulate my mind, body and spirit together and you'll have me forever!

I wanna sit under icy stars...
Connect the dots, make faces that emblaze across our 'home'.
I wanna sniff the sheets of our writings and
Savor the moment for just another minute
I wanna put my head across your chest,
In awe of the musical agreement our heartbeats have decided upon.
I wanna preserve you like ripe fruit and spread you thick to nourish my past. I wanna sustain you in the poems of my heart- that's been missing.
let you seep into my skin...
Beg your eyes not to call out my transparency
but I know you will ...but its fine.
Take my common sense for high ransom
I won't mind.

I wanna get closer to you...
like im wearing religion on Sundays,
I wanna digest your thoughts, making them a part of me
dream of the 'goodlife' with u, bask in excellence,
all with you.
Last night,
I thought of a dozen ways we could live,
teaching each other how to breathe
without oxygen
just collaborations of genius
we crafted,
between stained fingers and intertwined strands
of lust and Love(afterthoughts)...
coasting on intangible planes of Pure.
not meant for consumption
yet you ate off my plate of afflicted beautiful
like your last meal was at stake
i fed you spoonfuls of consistent inconsistency...
washed your tongue with my words,
smiling in the moments when our palates met gracefully-
kissed tatsefully.

imperfected flawlessly, we reached
so far beyond any planet or star,
wat would we name this Abyss?
sealed with a kiss of wrists
wanting to lay lazily across your midriff
and allow our souls to sift
between what our needs write
and what our wants speak..
to us.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Love of my life....Zuri.b!

So, I know it's been awhile since I've opened myself up to you again....I promise I'm not this negligent when it comes to fourplay with my pen and paper(or in the blogging world, fingers and laptop

But I have been sooooo busy, overwhelmed....and happily in love with my new baby girl! Zuri Kai'lynn, born on March 13, 2011 at 12:12pm....My lil beautiful buttafly has consumed my world and I'm loving every moment of it!

So I assure you I will be back to write soon....about the grown&sexy stuff, but until then, come visit us over in Zuri's world (click on zuri's world) for a weekly update on my journey into 'new-mommy-dom'

Love&Light to you ....


Saturday, February 26, 2011

Re-authoring my legacy will not be 2nd rate!

Sitting here with so many revelations....oh, the visions that transition will bring...especially when you are carrying new life within you. She has revealed so much to me about myself. And she's has yet to be physically born. So much I allowed to llay dormant or just simply chose to overlook...even denying the constant urges to research my family pathologies and patterns. But there are some life lessons that just keep wooping you over and over again until you acknowledge and VALUE the necessity of the test. Tests reveal. Tests heal. Tests confirm.....that I have earned my stripes of maturity into womanhood.....indeed, I believe I'm getting closer.

So, I decided that I needed to face myself....the real me....the creative, loving, sensual, yet-needy, lonely and fearful me....fearful of being alone...of failing in motherhood-carrying poisonous family pathologies prevalent in my mother and grandmother-that I've ran from for years-passing them on to my daughter. I need to look at myself. the transition from 2010 to 2011 started when I opened myself up to date/become intimately involved with a man when I was just 2 months pregnant. I trusted him...I felt that I needed him...I believed his presence, his words, his touch was truthful and genuine...I was certain that he had my best interest at heart-so I collasped......realizing now, that a woman should never fully collapse in a relationship,she should always leave apart of herself for HERSELF!.....Guilty, angry, feeling foolish and open....vulnerbale, taken for granted...I cried, I purged, I questioned the Universe why I continue to attract emotionally unavailable men.....

I then became aware that I had lived and breathed and made that identity my home for so many years. Primarily because it was an unconcious-learned behavior....carrying the energy from my mother and grandmother's painful experiences.... I was a good consoler, nurturer, confidant, companion, men who didnt belong to me-their hearts had already chosen who would be a priority to them, they had already decided on their #1....and I....

I was just an escape from reality-#2....the replaceable. Being in second place its such a lonely, empty, desperate a parasite eating away at your self worth and confidence. And so, this parasite I had allowed to mimic my smile, my walk, the sway in my even smelled like me, batted its eyes and bit its bottom lip like me(two things that drive men crazy about me).....lately, I've questioned myself, how long would I accept this warped truth about my self worth? Is this the identity and emotional legacy I am imparting into my daughter? A legacy of imbalanced energy? A legacy of hoping, wishing, dreaming and never manifesting a life partner who will give me above and beyond what I am able to give him?!.... Hell no! I want, deserve and will have more!

So what did I learn? I learned that at the exact moment of spiritual enlightenment....I have the power to re-author my truth....

Truth is: When you’re the other woman, you’re an escape from reality. Trust me, he’d never want the type of reality that he has with his wife or girlfriend with you because that would mean that it would get boring.

Truth is: They are all liars. I don’t care what bullshit stuff he’s said to win you around, they have to lie in order to maintain the situation. Looking back I realize what an idiotic thing that was for me to think. Lying is lying and the only way that he could juggle both of us was by lying to both of us.

Truth is: Your situation with him is not unique, you would be surprised how the excuses for having an affair all boil down to only a few basic excuses that are trotted out all over the world. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a mud hut in the middle of Africa, or in what you think is your plush life in the city; Lots of men claim that their partner doesn’t understand them. MANY claim that they are no longer sleeping with them. PLENTY claim that they stay with their partner for the kids. SOME claim that their jobs frown upon divorce. OTHERS say that she wouldn’t be able to cope. MOST of them claim that they are just waiting for the right time, the right moment, the right second/minute/hour/day/year to break the news. I don't deny that every situation will feel unique to you but the great thing about the key relationship issues that befall us, is that they are shared everywhere and the problems are as old as time itself. How and why he does it isn’t really that important because it all boils down to dishonesty and a lack of integrity.

Truth is: People/Men that cheat are manipulators. You might not want to see his behaviour in this light, but he has to manipulate you in order to manage the situation. The manipulation, while he might not perceive it as such, is all of the stuff that he says to get you on his side, to get you off his back, and to keep you on ice so that you don’t break away looking for a new guy. All of sudden I looked too good for other guys, every guy was trying to fuck me..... All of these things added to the belief that if I just tried a little harder and was a little less strong and independent, he would leave her.

Truth is: Women treat being with married or attached men like a competitive sport. We are nurturers, most women have self esteem issues of some sort, and we like to dig our heels in for the long haul and prove our worthiness. My whole relationship with him became focused on me getting him to see how worthy I was of not being a SECRET. My self esteem gradually took a battering and the reality is that even though I believed that getting him to desire me as authentically as I desired him would lift me to prime status, I was an emotional wreck.

Men love doing the Poor Pathetic Me Whine – “She doesn’t understand me. She won’t give me a head. She’s needy. She doesn’t fuck me like you do. She’s demanding.” This translates in our mind to “I will understand you. I will suck your dick till you’re cumin out of your ears. I won’t need you too much. I will fuck you just right-the way you like it. I won’t be demanding and ask too much of you” and it becomes like a marathon that never ends. Our self esteem is tied into our success at gaining his attention but most importantly, gaining him, so of course the longer that he stays with her, the longer that his actions don’t match his words, is the lower and lower your self esteem sinks. I know some women who don’t feel that a man has been validated unless he ‘belongs’ to someone else. The sad thing is that by being involved with my guy, I invalidated many of the good things I believed about myself and relationships and I really had to piece myself back together again and get a sense of who the hell I was.

These men take part time lover to a whole new level. When I look back at my ‘relationship’ with him, I realize that I was with him for less than 10% of an entire week. If someone else told me that they were going to give me ten percent of their time, I’d tell them to f*ck off! Instead my life was snatched moments, texts, emails, lonely nights and pretending to my family and bestfriend that I was single and happy when I was emotionally invested in a emotionally unavailable man.

Enough is Enough!

My Zuri deserves to inherit a new that she can carry proudly with the correct assessment of a man and his worth and a woman and her worth, and how the two can form a union of worthiness...manifesting powerful family patterns and pathologies that are uplifting and enriching, rather than parasitic! So I'm doing this for her....more importantly, I'm making sure I know how to breathe my daughter can exhale in peace....all the days of her life.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

The Law of Attraction: Life and Love Affirmations 2011

The Law states: I attract to myself, whatever I give my focus, attention, or energy to; whether wanted or unwanted. If you think about being broke, poor, lonely and believe your thoughts guess what? That is exactly what you'll be. This Law applies to your life and every other person's life on the planet. Like all laws, it is impartial and impersonal, which means it works when you want it to and when you don't want it to.

Everything comes to us through the most elemental law of physics - Like Attracts Like! Like Attracts Like is nothing more than the Law of Attraction. It is absolute and has nothing to do with your personality, your religious beliefs, being a "good" or a "bad" person or anything else. No one lives beyond this Law. It is an unquestionable law of the universe.

I didn't want to believe it. It was my circumstances that had brought me to where I was. I couldn't possibly be responsible. Then I read in James Allen's - As A Man Thinketh, "Circumstance does not make the man; it reveals him to himself."

Without action, nothing happens.

From your affirming and envisioning will come ideas and inspirations. Act upon these when they occur. This year, I realized that it is important for me to understand that just daydreaming about my desire will not bring it to manifestation. I must act upon the ideas I get, that action will bring me ultimately to my desire.

So here are my Affirmations for the year... reciting them outloud before I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning has already began to shift my thought patterns throughout the day. I don't have as many negative, depressing, worrying, hopeless thoughts and when they do come, they don't consume me. Ultimately, I make a CHOICE daily...moment by moment... to focus my energy and attention only on what I want and desire and DESERVE in my life.....
The hardest part in applying this actually BELIEVING what you say and think. 2011 is my year to BELIEVE and MANIFEST....will you journey with me?

Affirmation for Life:

I am grateful for being alive and healthy
I am grateful for having the power to design my life
Today I am focusing on the good things in life
…and give thanks for them.
I know for things to change, I need to change
I take time everyday to find peace with myself
Everything I need is within me
I am strong and full of confidence
I can do anything
I am a winner
I believe in all my possibilities
I live with focus, courage, and determination
I live a life full of passion and purpose
I am a leader
I deserve success
I deserve abundance
Money flows easily and frequently to me
I am a money magnet and everything I touch turns into gold
Today wonderful opportunities come to me
I take time to laugh and play
I deserve happiness
I accept myself as I am
I am as free as a bird
I am free to be myself
I am a success in all that I do
I have the power to control my health
I am healthy in all aspects of my being
I am a forgiving and a loving person
The more I love, the more love I get
I deserve love…and give love
I am at peace with myself
I am one with everything around me
I am a wonderful creation
I accept peace and joy in all aspects of my life
I am at one with the inner child in me
I feel the love, joy and abundance
Today I will live this day as if it were my last day on this planet!
I will enjoy every minute of it
I am grateful to be alive!

Affirmation for Love:

Here is my vision: We are already connected
He comes to me in freedom
Now, we meet, greet, touch, know…we know.
I open and receive my soul mate in 2011
Ever deeper home…
His spiritual path is deep, wide and long
He is grounded, mature
Successful, strong, masculine
Handsome, balanced and oohhhh! sexy!
And sometimes very silly.
We are tender…
Our lives are filled with laughter
Eloquent silences…
Soul filled glory
A synergistic dance of dark and light
Our lovemaking is a tantric delight
Nourishing, healing us and…
I am a wild woman!
I am nurturing, surrendered, beautiful
I am irresistible to him!!
He gets me….i mean,
He REALLY gets me!
We adore each other
We activate each other deeply
I inspire him
We celebrate our love in 2012
Among flowers…and water
The universe is blessed by our sacred union
We are devoted to each other
We are entrepreneurs
Our relationship manifests its dynamic purpose
Our resources overflow in service
We work together, inspiring others
And making a difference.
From the Oneness of Spirit in Matter
He comes to me
He comes to me now.
Under grace and in perfect ways,
Blessed Be.
Thank You Universe. It is so.

Friday, January 7, 2011

For you....One day.

Wishful Thinking… day , I’ll look him in his eyes….and say:

Thank You for your love and thank you for your undying passion that has penetrated my soul to unexplainable depths. From the day I met you loving you has been as simple as breathing, You encourage me, you enlighten me, to be pure in life, as life has given us this life to live.

Can I tell you, that I’ve never seen so much wrong or right with me, till the day I met you. As I believe love has a mirror effect- for we are the essence of all energy we attract, pieces of you lie within me….so I examine myself…as love will instruct you to do-yet I find comfort in that I am not perfect, I make mistakes and you still love me and that’s a God kinda love…unconditional… You’ve have been the rain that my dry earth needed. Going inside of me saturating my very existence with the love of God. Witnessing your devotion and dedication to be by my side, lifting me and upholding me when I’m broken. Comforting me when I’m burdened, all the while consuming me and taking me to a place that is yet unknown, I can’t express the unexpressable expressions. I can’t say what I feel to say, because language doesn’t suffice, songs and poems cannot fully contain the width and breadth of my soul’s enjoyment when I think of a life with you.

Here I am…divorced, starting over, healed…refusing to accept my experience as ‘baggage’(as negative as we make it sound)…but as the much needed experience to allow me to grow and build tolerance for what I deserve and what I don’t deserve in a relationship…..and while I am aware that I have matured and become wiser….I still…again…choose to love…with no reservations…to let go…to allow you to be for me what your heart desires and as crazy as it sounds….I am excited! I am in love now…not a year from now or months from now…not when I’m able to see you every weekend or wake up to you everyday…but NOW…..I am in love with you- and I know the man that you are when we are together….and I know the man you really are when I’m in your presence…I know the way you look at me…I know how you kiss me…how you smile at my funny faces…how you hold me in your lap….I know….and I want you to always know that,

I will hold you, I will care for you, I will respect you, I will protect you, I will assure you, I will pray for you, I will pray with you, I will embrace you, I will endure with you, I will cry with you, I will laugh with you, I will sing with you, I will dance with you, I will struggle with you, I will fight for you, I will stand with you, I will stand for you, I will live with you, I will comfort you, I will trust you, I will understand you, I will learn about you, I will listen to you, I will not reject you, I will not deny you, I will not overlook you, I will not neglect you, I will not be cruel to you, I will not misuse you, I will not mislead you, I will not abuse you, I will make love to you, I will bare children for you, I will train them with you, I will teach them with you, I will continually thank God for you, I will continually thank God with you, I will stay committed to you, I will stay honest towards you, I will remain faithful to you….And without asking, I trust that you will do the same...

Caught up in the knot of this Soul-Tie...Naked and Unashamed.

I need you to fight for me- give me a reason not to walk away....thoughts of you flood my day...are you still here?...with me?
do you think about me....and what do the thoughts entail?
are you regretful or remorseful....?
do you want this....anymore?

I think to myself, I can't believe I have fallen so deeply again for someone who seems so distant, yet in arms reach simultaneously....

What is it that makes a woman continue to fall for a man who cant and wont love her the same in return. Is it true that we cant stand to be rejected and feel the need to conquer the unconquerable……I find it hard to believe that shallow assumption….considering the depth of what a woman feels for a particular man….its definitely more than just trying to conquer him…suggesting a journey along a lost quest with the need for a long awaited victory…to say that…’this is mine’…’I have won’…..’I have power over that which I have conquered’…..needless to say it is not that simple…at least not for me. I don’t want to conquer you…..I’d rather us rule together and conquer our fears…simultaneously…one moment, with each other, at a time.

I thought for sure this was it...the last time I would play with the 'idea' of love....
secretly praying for a miricle daily, that you would love me instantly as I do you...recognizing this powerful virtue as energy-instead of a fearful endeavor that can't be spoken of without protocol....

I love you...and I loved you with everything in me as only I am capable of doing a hundred percent....I've never known how to do this I take my chances, playing russian ruelette with my heart and emotions, squeeze my eyes tight....nostrils wide open...eyes bright and attentive...and I give you all of me....all that is in me....all of me.

I miss you like my heart misses its beat in between breaths....
inhaling and exhaling your chest rises to every occasion I have at the tip of your fill me. with each thrust you fill me. with each kiss you fill me. with each hand ran across my damp skin and sun-kissed fill me.

...and in the same instant I roll over only to find you dressed and walking out the door. and again, I am empty.

this has got to stop....the struggle- the tug of war between your heart and mine. You want to say I miss you back, but you won’t…
You want to tell me how much you think of me, but you won’t. You won’t because in your mind you have to keep everything in perspective…owning your emotions, keeping them bound by heartache, career goals and frustration. But your perspective is not my perspective, yet…I understand.

and to be honest...I don't want to understand anymore... at least not by myself....I want to innerstand my vulnerabilities, and overstand with your heart and mines in the same hand...balanced...equally examined...equally understanding.

I'm tired...and all I ask, is the chance to let go...fall back...and know that you are there to catch me, as I have caught this soul-tie.

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