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Saturday, February 26, 2011

Re-authoring my Truth....my legacy will not be 2nd rate!




Sitting here with so many revelations....oh, the visions that transition will bring...especially when you are carrying new life within you. She has revealed so much to me about myself. And she's has yet to be physically born. So much I allowed to llay dormant or just simply chose to overlook...even denying the constant urges to research my family pathologies and patterns. But there are some life lessons that just keep wooping you over and over again until you acknowledge and VALUE the necessity of the test. Tests reveal. Tests heal. Tests confirm.....that I have earned my stripes of maturity into womanhood.....indeed, I believe I'm getting closer.

So, I decided that I needed to face myself....the real me....the creative, loving, sensual, yet-needy, lonely and fearful me....fearful of being alone...of failing in motherhood-carrying poisonous family pathologies prevalent in my mother and grandmother-that I've ran from for years-passing them on to my daughter. I need to look at myself. the transition from 2010 to 2011 started when I opened myself up to date/become intimately involved with a man when I was just 2 months pregnant. I trusted him...I felt that I needed him...I believed his presence, his words, his touch was truthful and genuine...I was certain that he had my best interest at heart-so I collasped......realizing now, that a woman should never fully collapse in a relationship,she should always leave apart of herself for HERSELF!.....Guilty, angry, feeling foolish and open....vulnerbale, taken for granted...I cried, I purged, I questioned the Universe why I continue to attract emotionally unavailable men.....

I then became aware that I had lived and breathed and made that identity my home for so many years. Primarily because it was an unconcious-learned behavior....carrying the energy from my mother and grandmother's painful experiences.... I was a good consoler, nurturer, confidant, companion, lover...to men who didnt belong to me-their hearts had already chosen who would be a priority to them, they had already decided on their #1....and I....

I was just an escape from reality-#2....the replaceable. Being in second place its such a lonely, empty, desperate place...like a parasite eating away at your self worth and confidence. And so, this parasite I had allowed to mimic my smile, my walk, the sway in my hips....it even smelled like me, batted its eyes and bit its bottom lip like me(two things that drive men crazy about me).....lately, I've questioned myself, how long would I accept this warped truth about my self worth? Is this the identity and emotional legacy I am imparting into my daughter? A legacy of imbalanced energy? A legacy of hoping, wishing, dreaming and never manifesting a life partner who will give me above and beyond what I am able to give him?!.... Hell no! I want, deserve and will have more!


So what did I learn? I learned that at the exact moment of spiritual enlightenment....I have the power to re-author my truth....

Truth is: When you’re the other woman, you’re an escape from reality. Trust me, he’d never want the type of reality that he has with his wife or girlfriend with you because that would mean that it would get boring.

Truth is: They are all liars. I don’t care what bullshit stuff he’s said to win you around, they have to lie in order to maintain the situation. Looking back I realize what an idiotic thing that was for me to think. Lying is lying and the only way that he could juggle both of us was by lying to both of us.

Truth is: Your situation with him is not unique, you would be surprised how the excuses for having an affair all boil down to only a few basic excuses that are trotted out all over the world. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a mud hut in the middle of Africa, or in what you think is your plush life in the city; Lots of men claim that their partner doesn’t understand them. MANY claim that they are no longer sleeping with them. PLENTY claim that they stay with their partner for the kids. SOME claim that their jobs frown upon divorce. OTHERS say that she wouldn’t be able to cope. MOST of them claim that they are just waiting for the right time, the right moment, the right second/minute/hour/day/year to break the news. I don't deny that every situation will feel unique to you but the great thing about the key relationship issues that befall us, is that they are shared everywhere and the problems are as old as time itself. How and why he does it isn’t really that important because it all boils down to dishonesty and a lack of integrity.

Truth is: People/Men that cheat are manipulators. You might not want to see his behaviour in this light, but he has to manipulate you in order to manage the situation. The manipulation, while he might not perceive it as such, is all of the stuff that he says to get you on his side, to get you off his back, and to keep you on ice so that you don’t break away looking for a new guy. All of sudden I looked too good for other guys, every guy was trying to fuck me..... All of these things added to the belief that if I just tried a little harder and was a little less strong and independent, he would leave her.

Truth is: Women treat being with married or attached men like a competitive sport. We are nurturers, most women have self esteem issues of some sort, and we like to dig our heels in for the long haul and prove our worthiness. My whole relationship with him became focused on me getting him to see how worthy I was of not being a SECRET. My self esteem gradually took a battering and the reality is that even though I believed that getting him to desire me as authentically as I desired him would lift me to prime status, I was an emotional wreck.

Men love doing the Poor Pathetic Me Whine – “She doesn’t understand me. She won’t give me a head. She’s needy. She doesn’t fuck me like you do. She’s demanding.” This translates in our mind to “I will understand you. I will suck your dick till you’re cumin out of your ears. I won’t need you too much. I will fuck you just right-the way you like it. I won’t be demanding and ask too much of you” and it becomes like a marathon that never ends. Our self esteem is tied into our success at gaining his attention but most importantly, gaining him, so of course the longer that he stays with her, the longer that his actions don’t match his words, is the lower and lower your self esteem sinks. I know some women who don’t feel that a man has been validated unless he ‘belongs’ to someone else. The sad thing is that by being involved with my guy, I invalidated many of the good things I believed about myself and relationships and I really had to piece myself back together again and get a sense of who the hell I was.

These men take part time lover to a whole new level. When I look back at my ‘relationship’ with him, I realize that I was with him for less than 10% of an entire week. If someone else told me that they were going to give me ten percent of their time, I’d tell them to f*ck off! Instead my life was snatched moments, texts, emails, lonely nights and pretending to my family and bestfriend that I was single and happy when I was emotionally invested in a emotionally unavailable man.

Enough is Enough!

My Zuri deserves to inherit a new legacy...one that she can carry proudly with the correct assessment of a man and his worth and a woman and her worth, and how the two can form a union of worthiness...manifesting powerful family patterns and pathologies that are uplifting and enriching, rather than parasitic! So I'm doing this for her....more importantly, I'm making sure I know how to breathe properly....so my daughter can exhale in peace....all the days of her life.

7 comments:

MissGina said...

Thank you for this post!!!!!!!

ButterflyRoyal said...

Thank you for bearing witness to my truth Queen!

Mr.TramueL said...

Your last line sums it up ...

"I'm making sure I know how to breathe properly, so my daughter can exhale in peace, all the days of her life."

Wonderfully written.

ButterflyRoyal said...

Thank you King....luv&light to you...

F.a.Ellis said...

Greetings!
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Bookworm Diva said...

Reauthoring your truth...what is the introduction now! Perhaps if the other women that slept with my now ex-husband came to this realization, I might still be married. Yet, who knows? Who cares? My new truth is in the making

DaiDaGlamazon said...

This right here is transformative..the unfolding evolution of the refracted mirror of the soul, has revealed all that resides in you, me, other women at some various junctures at ones lives shed light to gender entrapment in female to male relationships.
You journey of self-discovery is authentic and real ass hell!!! There is no way to look and respond differentlty. Some of us may have been the wife, fiance', girlfriend betrayed by our mates. Or we have been the other woman vifying for the love of an emotionally unavailable man. Truth be truth told, often times we are active agents in our brokeness and then we blame the man or the other woman for not taking accountability of us not honoring our bodies, spirits and emotions.
My beloved bestie.....as always I am blessed by your transpariency..I wish you were near so I could embrace you in a collective lament! Near or far I still carry you in my womb and I know you do likewise. I bid you love on this journey of reauthoring your TRUTH!
Zuri has a gem as mother! ase-o!

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